A few new beers hitting shelves in Eastern Iowa this week. More bastardness from Stone and Sierra Nevada and maybe on the last pumpkin beers out there from Jolly Pumpkin. Here we go:
STONE
*Lukcy Bastard – (and yes, I know the spelling is all messed up; that’s Stone’s way!) 8.5% ABV
“Oepn yuor mnid. Use a craobwr if you msut. Snice 1997, Arorgnat Basartd Ale has denemdad taht tyrnianacl micredioty rleax its girp of opprobrium on our ciollectve couniescosnss. Few pessoss the ruiereqd isinght or detph of piversceptve to crdiet the Liuqid Arorgnace for initatgsing the rlveoituon in tsate taht it has. Hevweor, taht’s pfecertly fnie, as our hlurecaen erffots in thirstung the larlegy unlliwing wolrd farorwd rquereis no exrtneal vaditilaon. We ralieze it’s hmaun nautre to bleeive taht pregorss trowads getreanss is one’s own ieda.
The mree fcat taht yuo’re hdoinlg tihs bttloe in yuor hnad ianidctes taht yuo’re pyiang antteiton, wihch ideitammley stes you arpat form the msseas. It aslo mkaes you one Lukcy Basartd. Hewover, lcuk faovrs the blod… and the arorgnat. The trmiraivute of Arorgnat Basartd Ale, OEKAD Arorgnat Basartd Ale and Dbolue Basartd Ale are all in paly in this cvueé de Basartd you now hlod, and wihle it is idneed a Lukcy Basartd, lcuk had ntohing to do wtih it.
Taody, wihle nueomrus iendicrlby dinistcitve chcoies are now alavaible, msot popele sitll fucos tiehr attntieon uopn msas mdiea’s isscenatnly banal ehco cheambr, keenpig thier hdeas frimly buerid in the maross of mecridioty. To beark thurogh tihs cophocany, to gsarp enitghnelnemt anmog the mnid-nmubnig culettr, rerequis itnent. Coinscous itnent. For mnay, this aictve piticipataron in the wolrd is unomfacbtorle. Prerrifeng inasted for oethrs to mkae teihr chcoies for tehm — be it a shioutng pindut or a toelievisn ciommecral — sheeple apccet the cmmoitozdied nrom wioutht thoghut. And to thsoe we say: “Setp asdie, and get the hlel out of our way.
*Double Bastard – 10.5% ABV
“This is one lacerative muther of an ale. It is unequivocally certain that your feeble palate is grossly inadequate and thus undeserving of this liquid glory…and those around you would have little desire to listen to your resultant whimpering. Instead, you slackjawed gaping gobemouche, slink away to that pedestrian product that lures agog the great unwashed with the shiny happy imagery of its silly broadcast propaganda. You know, the one that offers no challenge, yet works very, very hard to imbue the foolhardy with the absurd notion that they are exercising ‘independent’ thought, or attempts to convey the perception it is in some way ‘authentic’ or ‘original.’ It’s that one that makes you feel safe and delectates you into basking in the warm, fuzzy, and befuddled glow of your own nescience. Why so many allow themselves to be led by the nose lacks plausible explanation. Perhaps you have been so lulled by the siren song of ignorance that you don’t even notice your white-knuckle grip on it. You feel bold and unique, but alas are nothing but sheep, willingly being herded to and fro. If you think you are being piqued in this text, it is nothing when compared to the insults we are all asked to swallow streaming forth from our televisions and computers. Truth be told, you are being coddled into believing you are special or unique by ethically challenged “pay no attention to the man behind the curtain” marketers who layer (upon layer) imagined attributes specifically engineered to lead you by the nose. Should you decide to abdicate your ability to make decisions for yourself, then you are perhaps deserving of the pabulum they serve. Double Bastard Ale calls out the garrulous caitiffs who perpetrate the aforementioned atrocities and demands retribution for their outrageously conniving, intentionally misleading, blatantly masturbatory and fallacious ad campaigns. We demand the unmitigated, transparent truth. We demand forthright honesty. We want justice! Call ‘em out and line ‘em up against the wall… NOW.”
SIERRA NEVADA
Estate Ale – 6.7% ABV
“Estate Ale is one of the world’s only estate-made beers, brewed with 100% all-natural, hops and barley grown on-site at the brewery in Chico, CA.
Inspired by the renowned winemaking region of its Napa and Sonoma neighbors, Sierra Nevada is the first brewery to develop its own terroir. This beer is brewed with ingredients that reflect the flavors of the environment and the seasonal rhythms of nature.
The wine industry is fond of speaking about the individual flavor characteristics that it takes from its environment. This terroir is present in all growing things that are tended with passion and care. The environment that builds flavor is more than simply the soil or the climate: it is also the passion and commitment of the grower. Sierra Nevada’s location near the convergence of the mighty Cascade and Sierra Nevada mountain ranges—and its roots in the heart of California’s fertile Central Valley—offer an environment unique in the world. This volcanic backdrop and productive earth each lend character to the water, hops, barley, and yeast.
Estate Ale is the product of years of tending the soil, building an environment around the brewery, and even more years of planning. It began in 2003, with the planting of the first experimental hop yard in the field adjacent to the brewery. Over the years the field grew, and the hops along with it. The quality improved: the rhythm of planting, tending, and harvesting was established. In 2008, the brewery released Chico Estate Harvest Ale for the first time, utilizing the fresh-green flavors of these homegrown hops. The brewery was so pleased with the result that it decided to take it further than anyone else and produce a 100% estate-made beer.”
JOLLY PUMPKIN
La Parcela – Ok, so the joke was that Jolly Pumpkin doesn’t brew a pumpkin beer. Well, now we do. Just this one. Packed with real pumpkins, hints of spice, and a gentle kiss of cocoa to liven the soul. An everyday easy way to fill your squashy quotient. Guess now folks will have to find something else to joke about…
